Special Feature

Be Happy: Don't Take It Personally

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz popularized the wisdom that you should not take anything personally. While this topic may not seem to relate to achieving goals, it actually does: When you let external forces bother you, you may get distracted and discouraged from continuing toward your goals. I hope you benefit from some advice and thoughts that help me avoid taking things personally.

Don't take negative EMAIL RESPONSES or non-responses personally.

Why?

• Super spam filters often send valid mail to the spam folder.
• People may mark an email "read" and then forget to respond. I know I do anyway!
• Sometimes people wait to write a complete response versus a quick note back, so delay and delay until they have a block of time.
• Short emails from a mobile device can come across as "curt." It's not them, it's the tiny keyboard.
• E-mail loses some important parts of communication that we take for granted in conversation. You can't see the sender's facial expression in e-mail (even with smilies included with the text.) You can't hear the tone of voice in which the message was sent. So, it is possible that you may misinterpret the message.  
  
  For example: Recently I a friend sent such a terse email that I asked if he didn't really want me to visit. He replied: "Rule #1 with electronic transmission communication is - don't try to second guess the other's tone. I kept my e-mail brief because I had to run to a meeting."

Don't take ONLINE DATING* "rejection" personally.

Why? He or she:

• might think you're too good or attractive.
• could think you're not interested and wants to avoid rejection by rejecting you first.
• might have been "using" you -- as a rebound, or the person is really not single, or was dating you with no intention of following up. (Of course I'm not speaking from personal experience.) ;)
• may have a major personal problem he or she hasn't revealed to you.
• could have started the relationship in good faith, but then meanwhile met someone else. (The same could happen to you.)

For example: I recently met a date who, after saying hi, seemed to immediately check out into an alternate universe. I asked if everything was ok, while in my head thinking "Great, he is so uninterested that he's dreading spending time together. Should I be straightforward and give him an out?" Then he explained he just needed to decompress from an intense afternoon at work. I realized - duh - it wasn't me! And told that voice to shut up.

*Think about how similar these lessons are to job interview rejection.

• You email and don't hear back after they initially expressed interest.
• You know you're qualified but for some reason you don't make the grade. (They could have posted the job because they had to but really had an internal candidate.)
• You keep corresponding but somehow never meet in person.
  
  In my experience it's usually an issue on the part of the recruiters or internal company issues such as simple disorganization.

Don't take JOB AND WORK ISSUES personally*

Why?

• If you're in a meeting, know that most tyrants who shriek at you may be psychopaths. (Check out this Fast Company article.)
  
• Many managers aren't fit to manage. This makes them feel insecure, which they take out on you thus making your life miserable.
• Co-workers all have issues and lives of their own that you can only guess at.
• Layoffs happen. And many people find that losing a long-time job often creates incredible new growth opportunities.
• You may be working somewhere that's not a good fit for you in terms of culture, communication style, or pace.

*The caveat here is that sometimes it is personal, if you haven't performed as expected. But the point is to not take what you feel are undeserved things personally.

Don't take someone's BAD ATTITUDE personally

Why?

• The person's day or life could be sucking.
• Could a "stand-offish" person really be shy? Anyway, if people are stand-offish, that's their problem, not yours.
• A rude driver may be frantically addressing an emergency.
• The person may be unhappy with his or her station in life.
• You may be interpreting their attitude as bad, projecting your own negativity. For example if it seems like your friends don't care or make time for you, is it you or are they simply busy? Some people reach out more, some are more self-involved. Put yourself on a line and ask friends if you've done something wrong. Chances are it's "them."
• The bad attitude is making that individual's life miserable, too. Rude people are just punishing themselves.

The bottom line is that you often can't read other people or situations. You can only control your response to them. If you choose to not take things personally, you can create a better day and life for yourself - with more energy and enthusiasm to reach for your goals.

Susie instigated creation of SuperViva and tries not to take suggestions for improving SuperViva personally.

If this article helped you, please tell a friend about it.